His kids are apparently very well behaved, and maybe he deals with her much like he does his kids. . Are You Not Losing Sleep Wondering Why He Does What He Does? Flip the script and replace him. Sounds like this man may be a male borderline as opposed to a classic narc. When I woulnldnt shop at the high dollar stores for him when I shopped at thrift stores I was being stingy. Let's do a quick recap, The are three prevalent thoughts that your ex is likely to think about if they don't contact you. Wow it really is hard to process it all and yes so hard to get over it when a lot of the relationship was so good. We were like best friends. His dad just loved that dog more than anything. Walk away and find someone who respects and appreciates you. I avoid face to face as much as possible, we communicate via email and phone messages. Yes I did tell him i know he is a narc and i also told the girlfriend that she is in triangulation and she defended that of course, cause she thinks he is wonderful to the point where she told my children that failure of marriage was my fault. When things sounds to good to be true they usually are. When I say Im in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared. I was in love with the way he made me feel. I blocked him from my social media profiles about 2 months ago. I need to know where you get your information from because if it is different to my source then perhaps I should be seeking a second opinion or maybe you should. I have no photos of her in the house, I dont think of her, Im clearing out things she gave me, etc. I was the one who had changed. Since I feel like the walking dead and a non-functional parasite to society, any suggestions on what can I do? Unlike alot of other stories Ive read; he treated me pretty well for the 2 years we were together. They always come back wanting to reconnect. There is someone good out there for you that wont drive you crazy. I had PTSS at that time from it. I know what that feels like. Want to know more? When I went back to school and finished my degree and when I began teaching a class at church that the pastor wouldnt allow him to teach all hell broke loose. My ex too started telling people I am a Narc after me telling him he has Narc tendencies and showed him information on Narcs. Nikki, if your children enjoy seeing him, then it wouldnt hurt to let them. SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM AT A JUICY DISCOUNT:https://bit.ly/NEWLIFE30Article: Do You Sabotage Yourself With The Grey Rock Method? In hindsight, its really quite juvenile, isnt it? Often, in the process of self-discovery, we learn enough about ourselves to stop attracting and/or desiring people who are black holes. I know how you feel. Having had many relationships this lady stole my heart. Please tell me the stories. I dont think the average person getting into a new relationship has the skills to asses whether someone was a narc or not! Kim, Ive been reading your emails and writings for about a year. The cycle of emotional and verbal abuse, the vicious cycle of discard and demeaning of people is atrocious. We maxed out my credit. But one night in the three mounths and rest of the time deal with his Narcism. Today, he showed up at my front door. I cant thank God enough for helping me find the way out of the darkness. They stayed together for 14 years and from what I can gather within that time there were affairs, a suicide attempt and an episode of post natal psychosis. He kept his ex gf pining after him and would act as if i was being insecure, when really he was instigating the attention he would receive as a means to look more desirable. Heartbreaking isnt it? I totally expected the ex to call back and bitch but he didnt. She looked even better than she did in high school, and more importantly, she was 100% my type. Only now accepting that I was one of them too. Wow thank you this is was my life of the last six years hitting g ever nerve then when I got to the letter It click this was my relationship God bless anyone who is dating these gross humans. He will never make a good partner with anyone and is destined to go through life never knowing real happiness. I grew weary waiting to see what my married narcissist might do. But probably not, maybe he can't get over you.We were together for a year and a half. I tried to force myself to like a guy or date and I got nothing as if I channneled the narcissist and this must be how he feels. Narcs cant admit real hurtespecially when they know you are finally serious about dumping them. 3. He really does seem to be a mix of both. I used to wish I was the other woman at first until I fully accepted that my ex was a Narc/Psychopath (diagnosed). I still feel so in love with my Narc ex and I dont know how to get rid of that feeling!! But I know now. So we see the damaged person still walking around cloaking their pain and we feel for them. Thank god I got a new job that it will provide for me and my son to move out, otherwise I would have been screwed. chaotic and out of orderThank God i was one of the lucky onesI survived ! She would eventually apologize to me, and mention she did not mean to hurt me and that I am such a great person and such. One of the main reasons that an ex hasn't tried to contact you is because they're dealing with their feelings. If my mother had not walked in, what would have become of us? Of course, the narcissist refused to accept our reasons or acknowledge what happened. Please read this article. I can tell you that for the three months that she pursued me, I was not always at her beckon call. My Mother was Narcissistic also and a couple of years ago disinherited me. A few hours later, the second text came through: Did u get my earlier text? I didnt respond to either text. I broke all contact 4 months after he left and I know he asks about me and watches my social media pages. Why is this important?? And repeat what you have already said if you feel you have to reply. Your Ex is using her to triangulate, and also as a flying monkey. I became recluse. If we dont want this for our child.. why we do this to ourselfs. I have to say his drama is entertaining at times. Get better at playing his game than he is. She did not lash out in extremely mean ways, or ever cut herself (from what I am aware of) but everything else screams BPD. takes you step-by-step through the five stages of leaving a narcissist and helps lead you straight to the exit. Thank you. Now I see that the therapist was wrong. You know, I met my friends new bf the other nite for the first time. I see very little on discussion boards about gay male narcissists, but they are also out there. Pathetic I know. She is very convincing to others and that is why the distance must remain permanent. Imagine being a woman in an extremely religious lifestyle (Amish, Mennonite, etc) where you are taught to be submissive and beneath your husband and men in general and are dealing with narcassism . i know that i am releeved and happy. 1. This is 100% the TRUE WORDS OF A NARCISSISTI just left mine the 9th of july this yearit was a NIGHTMAREtotal Dr. Jekyll Mr.Hyde personality. -0 to 60 when they are angered As soon as you know what they are, they disappear because they know you cant be duped any longer by him. Im sorry, and I do hope you forgive me for the abrupt end and all pain that you have experienced as a result of my actions. But then at some moments it comes back and i miss him. As convincing as it may seem, this is simply the narcissist trying to hoover you back into a toxic relationship with them. I have not answered him after an ugly/public breakup (he is a front man for a semi-popular band and has a serious drug addition which he refused to get help for) and he left me for a groupie who adores and idolizes him. Sad, but true. The one who really understands him. He sold it. IF its true, and that is a BIG IF, she may just stroke his emotional ego sooo much that he doesnt care. Mine was a long distance relationship, and I also never met her friends, never met her kids, was also blocked from facebook, etc. Relationships with narcissists have a cycle to them that plays out again and again. You perfectly described my last relationship of the past 4 years. However, he is trying hoovering to get me back. You have been through it. I do miss the good times which were few but not the bad ones. My beautiful Dad went before her and she was changing Wills the day he died, even changed his whilst he was alive and got away with it! Basically, If you don't like the way things are or who he is, then leave. Once she knew that the image reflected in my eyes is not what she desires to see (because I told her) gone. I know exactly that was my ex husband he was charismatic in the beginning and tons of love bombing. Perhaps being in two different countries helped in protecting me from worse manipulation (and perhaps seeing how ugly his behind-the-scenes is). My ex did the same. The point is we should always be aware of these when meeting a new prospect! If I were drowning and you reached your hand out to save me, I would turn my face from you and sink into the abyss of a watery grave while you watched before I ever gave you the satisfaction of helping me. I feel like an idiot now, but the penny only really dropped for me about 5 months ago, about who and what Cameron really was. On my part I wanted to mention so-called behavioral approach to character disturbances. Instead, you should be grateful that someone accepts you as you are, and how dare you even think you can find someone better. Any thoughts? And yes they can carry on affairs for many years without getting caught. Not once did he call me to see if I was ok I hate tslkin about this IT MAKES ME SOOOO SAD BUT I HAVE TO ASKWHAT IS THE COMPULSION W DOIN BACK NOT BEIN ABLE TO PUT HIM DOWN M LEAVE HIM THERE? Interesting. I cant believe this is my life ! I had to go back into the house to get some other items and took them out to him. Well, I mulled over giving it to her because I made the mistake of picking up the phone and he tried to brow beat me into it but later, I thought it out.he bought it to replace my freezer which makes it a gift, so no, as much as I love his mother, in fact, it saddens me that she wont end up being my mother in law, I only told her about the freezer when I was unloading my plans to leave, which was a mistake. This is not to advocate this approach as the only valuable one. She brought it up, and seemed happy that she was going to be sending me half of it. In my scenario sometimes narc knows, sometimes doesn't. If he does know, it triggers hoover, if doesn't know I still win. Now i am going back to study and get a job and make new friends. In fact the fusion/input of all other schools is extremely valid. I think he blocked my texts and phone number, but I never blew either of them up. It feels so good finally found a site where i have contact with people that understand me. Regardless of who broke up, it was your fault. I pray for my healing from my husbands death and the death of the demon named quan . Of course she was wrong, again. My story is a little different I THINK. A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie! Yesterday i missed him so bad i almost texted him!! If narcissistic partners dont care about their lovers, what makes you think theyre going to care about their exes? As I left, here she comes in her truck with her 5 dogs and her mother? Im worried he wants revenge. I am finally feeling free but I know when his latest partner has her fill he will come looking for me. He would not keep dates and wouldnt show up. he tried to seperate me and my daughter . Although they are the true monster behind the scenes , I can't help think they are real. Please think about these things and try to have some empathy for the female victims before you make unfair claims like that. Even being through what I went through, the things some of my female Amish friends endure is truly horrific. She soon tired of his parasitic ways and attitude and I told him no way to him moving back in with me. I love being your answer. Cry, scream, get up, hug ur son, cry some morethere will be months of crying and feeling good then feeling bad again, missing him. I so desperately needed this. When it comes to the ex-partners of a narcissist, they fall into two categories. He thought he was doing it to me but after talking to her, he knew that if she could call me, then I must be ignoring him. This was to much for me and I half heartedly ended things. Your most recent gf sounds like a cold hearted person who is NOT a catch in anyway imaginable. He texts me last night angry and drunk (super attractive that is lol) and I responded one time, quite rudely, and then blocked the bastards number and went to sleep. He may, for instance, leave out letters or avoid writing out complete words "How r u," for instance . Narcissists, however, in theory, keep everyone with whom they have ever interacted in a web of potential sources of narcissistic supply. We were all so excited to have him back. U expressed the thought the man I met is not the one I left. Heres whythe reality is that narcissists suffer from mental health issues. I have blocked him from all my social media profiles but Im extremely wary as to what he is saying to people in general but more specifically to people in my industry. He said he was enlightened by some of my comments (I told him he was turning into a dirty old man, a pervert-he didnt like that mirror at all) and still loved me wants to stay together. Thanks for sharring. Narcissists thrive off being in control, when you were a couple, they got a kick out of watching you ask, how high? after instructing you to jump. There are many people who understand you and you can get support from many people. | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed, https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCIQ0kMoADAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.suicidepreventionlifeline.org%2F&ei=irtgVfLuEcqayASNhYHgCg&usg=AFQjCNE4Hv6RcsQlZUZgKuDddDBWMWUwvw&sig2=0EH5yuP0YMqLmaEdMf7V6w&bvm=bv.93990622,d.aWw, http://letmereach.com/2014/10/06/why-do-i-feel-so-attached-to-my-narcissistic-ex/, The Narcissist, the Ex, and the New Girlfriend The Art of Triangulation | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed, The REAL Reason the Narcissist Comes Back After No Contact | freefromnarcissisticabuse, Vanilla Sky Unreality with the Narcissist | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed, FAQ Friday 5 Common Questions About the Common Narcissist | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed. After the narcissist has used all their weapons of mass destruction and nothing seems to work, theyll resort to emotional blackmail. Like I said I dont have prove yet and dont want to ask him, just for my sanity I was wondering If they do stuff like this? I had been in an on and off again relationship with my Narc for 25 years and I finally broke free. I still think of him, sometimes daily. The first is if the other person left. Prior to discovery after fights, he would seem truly remorseful and we wouldnt split up. I just didnt like the way he seemed to be larger than life. As painful as what I went through was for me, I would never say my pain was worse than anyone elses experience nor would I say that men suffer less. Am I bounding myself too much? It so happens that shes the one hes leaving me for. Sad to hear so many people get dammaged from such sick people. He is bi sexual. So to all of you who are struggling, there is hope, there is a way out of the dark, over time you begin to love yourself more and you will see the light. We talked he told me he would change . Try to research on thisNPD is included in BPD, if its a Psychopathic BPD. Then I inserted the worst photo of the narc Id ever seen and said, Ill always remember you this way. i can laugh were it not for all the lines of heartache i carry. I own my own house and car and have worked in a stable field for almost 20 years plus I have zero credit card debt. So I met with him on Monday. When I say Im in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. On the other hand that voice Dont do it!! This male is 63 years old and no end of this obsession in sight. When theyre with a group of friends, the narcissists might say something like, wow, I cant believe how relaxed I feel now that me and Terri are not together. My N left me for her boss. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "ae63d58ae3cf78a4a74a207253d331cb" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. My suggestion would be to find out what it is within yourself that attracts you to this personality type (since you mentioned shes not the first). So much. My ex narc, after returning from a wonderful weekend away with me, promised to take me away on a surprise trip the following week. Even if she loses and never pays me a dime, I need to move forward with the lawsuit if for no other reason than to regain my self respect and get my family jewels back. I am in no way shape or form insinuating that women narcs/borderlines are worse than male narcs. If your narcissist ex discarded you and just disappeared one day, it was because your behavior was so intolerable, they had to get out. Have you just broken up with your narcissistic partner and cant seem to stop thinking about them? He may move in with her but it wont last. I thought he would leave me alone now, but no, it is almost worse. He text back I need that equipment. I ALMOST ANSWERED HIM.. After reading this I feel stronger because he has actually now resorted to leaving voice messages. I didnt know it at the time as I was told I was the problem and that she needed some space to find herself. This is creepily similar to a letter I received several years ago from a crazy narc the list of qualities is identical. I know several. Narcissistic rage is not like normal anger, its an uncontrollable and subconscious desire to lash out. They may initiate contact again with that person, almost as if no time has passed. Its a long, hard road but you have to start now at the bottom and work your way back to yourself. Lol I can talk occasionally with him now because I accept he is a Narc. If you find that its too much to handle on your own, you may want to consider joining us in The Essential No Contact Bootcamp. Yet so ready to embrace a new lease on life . - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed, How Can I Be Sure Hes a Narcissist? Someone took away his lollipop and there is hell to pay. She would even bake him pastries which used to kind of piss me off. In hindsight, I realize it was a mistake. At this point, my no contact on him was 36 days. He glosses right over it. He is very matetialistic, but about to lose everything because of his lack of accountability. Lilli, I am just now able to read your comment. I can assure you that if your Ex is indeed, BPD or NPD, she is not happy with the new guy. I was sleeping there for two nights. Funny, I have been wondering the same as Samantha Three months after divorce (18 months ago), N-ex bought a house down the street from me, to make it easy for our children to go back and forth between house (now we can all be friends, right?). I made a decision I was going to leave, gave him til the end of the week to reassure me he wasnt playing me, that we had a future or I have to go. Trust me. He gave me 2 STDs and still I was so in love I begged for more. He said that even though he stays there, he sleeps on her couch and its a place to stay. Declutter and clean my home Required fields are marked *. Narcissists never really break up with you in the traditional sense. Im gutted shaken to the core. Narcissists are psychologically damaged people. For the life of me, I cant figure it out. He claims it was out of curiosity only and to not get any ideas. Yess creeving time is gone. It took moving away from home for graduate school to see just how damaged my family was. MY choice to be a Christian and follow a moral path is what polices me to do rightEVEN when I know someone would let me get away with doing wrong. I wouldnt say he destroyed my faith in love, but he definitely shook it and Im even a more guarded gay man now (as if so many of us arent guarded and insecure enough). Will my narcissist hoover? Your success story in inspirational , Hi, i have a question about the last part of the last sentence in the letter which i would really like to understand the meaning of it, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.. May God help and heal us all. That is what I seen in my ex. Then when she feels like it, she unblocks me. But we often continue eating it, anyway. If you get suspicious, they may cut off that contact again, at least temporarily. So now i did not hear from him clearly. Only a tiny moment of happiness getting his egosuply. I was still hurt about him going silent on me for six months (and not responding to my e-mail) but I was not searching for him online. Whether they believe the narcissist or not is irrelevant, theyve sown a seed of doubt so that when you do tell your side of the story, theyre skeptical. From the perspective of a narcissist, it makes sense. I have a problem and I need help and Im willing to go through all the steps to make myself better..(probably unlikely but what if.. since shes not doing well financially and she might be hitting rock bottom pretty soon..if she hasnt alreadyidk..) She also smokes and takes valiums / adderrall and stuff like that which also contributes to her instability.plus some drinking.. I thought all of this was normal because every relationship has a intense, honeymoon phase and then things settle into a more routine phase. Im entering the no contact phase but still I want to talk to him. So, Im not delusional. Two types of BPD: 1. genuinely dont mean it, but cannot stop. I made it clear that he could make up any lies he wanted but that anyone with an ounce of intelligence would not believe him. But he is, I think, a covered narcissist. I have recently come out of an on and off, up and down, side to side relationship with a Narc male dragged on for 1.5 years. Reblogged this on BEEN TO HELL & BACK BECAUSE I FOUND THE EXITS and commented: Narc husband says, "no offence, but you're not the first to think of this". She tells me that its usually when she is feeling weak after a cocaine comedown its all very difficult to accept. I dont reflect his favorite version of himself back to him anymore, and I think he worries that he will have to face a more reality based version when he sees me now. I kept two years worth of text messages to prove we had a relationship to combat his lies or if he wants to sue me. I dont like to argue and I like to work things out rationally. Matt, I wanted to chime in, because I went through something kind of similar. Not reliable. Answer (1 of 3): A2A Thankyou Each person is different.. depends on what your ex has lined up at that moment! This relationship pattern I described above is known as the idealize-devalue-discard-hoover cycle. Not explanation. There are only a few people that I really want and need in my life. Feels like I am hitting the bottom also and I am struggling. Stay strong and stay No Contact. Will I have to spend the rest of my life worried that he will make a sudden appearance in my life just because or to cause trouble personally or professionally? OH, and for the kids sake I believe you SHOULD stay distant from him. But maybe this is illlusionall because its my Invert N speaking. Im sorry for what you went through. What do you mean with they never let you go ? He is a high functioning alcoholic as well and takes prescription Adderall and Cymbalta. my narcissist is a parent. He knew exactly how to use that to gain control of me, and soon we had the same old dynamics going. I try only now to be patient to feel my way and not react to this sense of emptiness fill it with other things and in a way hope that in time that the feelings will return but that is only for the experience of flying we are not alone in this world we do not do things only for the thing itself but that experience is surrounded by other people and its those people who are largely the same all of whom stood back and let me be abused. Typically, people who seek professional help do so because they have a level of self-awareness thats given them insight into their mental and emotional state. I want Information on winning a narcissist without no contact. I was convinced that walking away would somehow make her the winner (we were like rivals at one point). I can relate to your concerns because I share a son with my Ex. Could the police involvement push him over the edge? And each time he shows you just how dysfunctional he is, cementing your decision to leave him alone. 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