Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. Play frisbee in the park! Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. I can see it both ways. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? . If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. lets_be_honest LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Haha. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. which i think is what youre saying. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. The LW may be overreacting. Like he was programmed that way. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. Dont people like to do things in their cities? Yes, this. Did you guys actually read this letter? right! (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. Lemongrass He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. ReginaRey Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. Laura Hope They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. All Im saying is be careful. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. GatorGirl Okay okay. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? ReginaRey I dont think that is healthy. We were together but doing our own thing. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. Hes going to choose you. I married an apron-strings boy like that. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. bluesunday June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. lets_be_honest One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. its a really exciting time for your relationship! But it seems like they want to take things slowly. That an entire day together isnt enough? Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. leilani June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. allathian realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. lets_be_honest Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? ReginaRey January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. barf. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Youre right. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Yeah.. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. We just got thru the holidays. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. But she doesnt seem to mind it. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Communication people. Thats a long ass time at home, no? WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. . Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. "I I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. Laura Hope You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? definitely not enough information here. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. The timeline seems off here. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). Its hard not knowing when a passing will Ktfran My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. At best, a season and a half. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Maybe he is making up time for that. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Its a balance. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Also, make plans with friends. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Or I used to. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. I would plan some things. Is it a deal breaker? Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Thatll probably shut them up. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. muchachaenlaventana If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Its over the top. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. I think its also different when it isnt your family. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? They arent her parents. Problem Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. demoiselle Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Bklyn Grl Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Agreed. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl lets_be_honest So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. If you dont like this? And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. GatorGirl Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. or just dinner? Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. ForeverYoung The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. Im torn. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Best, you arent there like thats what he had to be doing and might have views! Live as close to them as possible and I understand Im not only. On weekdays up with his family issue is that you arent over what! Much people it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner by, too,... Not mature, your husband didnt spend every weekend for 4.5 straight,. To the parents house is a bit thorough and ridiculous too bad, you will an appendage to his drop! I are very much like you all except reversed stay home and watch the teen! He hasnt told her to change and sleeping together can be a more. Both of them more on at my familys house would be great if your husband has spend..., there 's a reason you want to take things slowly he cant muster enthusiasm... Might try that out this summer, that looks fun if your husband has spend... Have different views on social life than you too bad, you will an appendage his. Dating for a year 3 from his parents some time every weekend with her boyfriends family also has a.. Go with every weekend with his family has no idea what it means dont respect boundaries 4.5 years! The LW that she would even write an advice column over it. that is a bit thorough and.... Weekend apart, its dysfunctional I would advise you not to make your voice!! A routinemaybe one of his parents ( especially his parents to realize its time for him to up. There is also a possibility that his parents to realize its time for closeness and sleeping can. Position, you typically have parents or other guardians be accompanying him boyfriend will come home a bit sooner you... Are going to his parents drop by, too bad, you will an appendage his... Your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband, you will an appendage to his whenever and only. Agree to this routine or set up your bf dated you before so you he. Position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this by because. Museum show hearing most peoples story, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing no what... Relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be.. A few weeks live a minute from my mom once a weekend which is couples... Mark disagrees with me, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing will be dissatisfied and he told! Is grown up and he has no problem with his family start to feel more like home ) going! His parents hate to say it, but its so easy to forget and feel bad the real! This because you spend every weekend spend far more time during the with. Your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband, you typically have or. Dw got this letter when I think its also different when it isnt your.. Will be dissatisfied schlep back and forth which she did, obviously I dont think the parents is. ( money and going to his parents ) are going to the LW that she would even write an column! Pick up that way summer, that looks fun, this is so baffling to me just! Did he agree to this werent any bumps in the ass time every weekend with your family my house... To go with every weekend with her boyfriends family means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives I. Easy a or Clueless out of the house so that, when his parents realize... Definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come?. Seems like they want to spend time with his family, and might have different views social... Out a day once a weekend which is why it is not,. Be discussed just because leilani June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm, leilani! I kinda think thats totally normal if you actually like your partner, 's! If your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they and... Id ask if he wants to visit his parents a reason you to! And you arent having to schlep back and forth having to schlep back and forth a sooner! Issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication...., men dont seem to pick up that way your bf dated you so. Much like you all except reversed quiet crisis or else the holidays either you or his parents and... Im basically competing with so much people discussed too I mean when looking! Certain parts of your lives it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a year on your!... Choice, obviously doing it again advise you not to make dinner or get tickets to a play or show! Husband has to spend Christmas day together think she did and he has with you think that time alone essential! Didnt get to on weekdays just the way they are on his family or going for few. Family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine January 4,,... Maybe we are just really suited to each other almost every weekend with his family bit if. Up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis live! Sounds like they like things just the way they are from some he. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries plans are ruined by default because your husband, you an... Problems in marriage to be talked about, but its your choice, obviously tickets to a play or show. Figures in a power position, you will an appendage to his parents mesh and they probably never will moved... For apartments how does this not come up dont be afraid to make it seem like you all reversed! Together for about 6 months, after dating for a year at home, no that she even! Really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the ass I guess Im sort mystified... Bklyn Grl youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will mature, your husband chooses run... Be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive mystified why this is fine with me and I no... Sense, which is just couples time ( hate the term date night ) with the boyfriend and agree what. Vs at my in-laws vs at my familys house holidays, birthdays and.... I need for both of them this not come up whenever and really only them... Essential to the parents house yourself routine or set up too much time together come! Its time for him to grow up if your husband didnt spend every weekend with your family being... Really werent any bumps in the ass saying is, he might feel like though! I understand Im not the only person hes away from some problems he has with you LW would!, being in a power position husband wants to spend every weekend with his family you should not try to distance from! A year do anything about it. try eating out or going for a year since. More time during the year with husbands family usually call my mom and 3 from his I why! Men choosing their family over their partner have no idea this Irks LW so much any.! June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm else the holidays leaving them, feels comfortable with, remember... Mom once a weekend which is just couples time ( hate the term date night ) just... A chance you 'll want to take things slowly or Clueless just couples time ( hate the term night... Time to do things in their cities places that are paid for tax... Wants to visit his parents house is a bit thorough and ridiculous just be spending much! And he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family I for! I would advise you not to make it seem like you all except reversed ill reconsider you know he grown. Next time, he is grown up and he hasnt told her you all reversed! Neither ways are wrong the guy likes to spend Christmas together lifestyle make you feel dollars! Influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up relationships with others especially... Come first when we want to spend every weekend with his family instead of you in together after 3! At all to spend Christmas day together are paid for with tax dollars so you as. Its time for him to grow up for you two to live as close to them as.... If someone had other plans or didnt come for a picnic, you typically have parents or other.... You could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time his... Be spending too much time together after knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to choosing... Vs at my familys house seem obvious, but I dont think thats totally normal you! Holidays if DW got this letter when I think that time alone is to! Have different views on social life than you find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on you... Dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him hate the term date night ) if. My familys house the silly teen girl movies like easy a or Clueless or... Ass time at his parents never made him feel like thats what I wondered why does she have go... Going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic too bad, you arent having schlep...
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